Snakes and Muggles
by the vortex of meow
Summary: Severus Snape teaches his snakes about... muggle devices. /crack-ish fic.


_**Written for Round 7 at the Quidditch League Forum. Position: Chaser 1. Team: Kenmare Kestrels. Word: 923+**_

 **Used Prompts: "You say that again and... and I'll microwave your brain!" / Microwave/ Batteries**

* * *

There was a time and place to learn about Muggle devices. Preferably in the dark corners of libarirs poring over Muggle textbooks and stalking Muggleborns down the many Hogwart's hallways. Befriending one from another House at a young age and following them around like a puppy, as would do to one's master, would work well. Then perhaps slowly grow apart and have the strings of friendships break into pieces with agony and regret.

But...

That wasn't very educational for students according to the Headmaster.

And nothing else was educational in this _place_ except for his class, but Severus Snape kept his mouth shut and grumbled on.

That is why he had gathered his small group snakes. Formally known as the younger Slytherins, but Snape would call them whatever he liked because he didn't care.

With a swift hand, Snape drew and wrote down exactly what they would be learning today. They were gathered in their common room with differing hues of green, gray, and black on the walls, the lights leaving shadows across the student's laps.

One of the smaller, more cheerful Syltherins was raising her hand with so much excitement that Snape almost thought that Granger had snuck her way into the basement dorms. Such energy didn't belong his House. He narrowed his dark eyes at her and she sunk in her seat without lowering in her hand.

He sighed, "Yes, ?"

"Why are we learning about..." She wrinkled her nose, "About _muggles."_

"Because the Headmaster wished you to know the basics of the Muggle and since some of you are quite vocall about you avoidance of Mggle studies, " Snape gave a pointed at a certain scowling blond Malfoy. "I have been gifted with this task."

His tone suggested that the task had been thrown at him with the weight of an heavy Bludger and he had been forced to take it. The class shared an uneasy look amongst themselves. Malfoy snorted, "Just wait until my father hears about this."

Snape lowered his gaze on the boy, "We, the Slytherin House, are very much aware of your constant correspondance with your father, Draco. Perhaps he would like hear about the detention you had with Professor McGonagall last week as well?"

Malfoy's ears colored slightly red as the class giggled and smirked.

"And so..." Snape turned twards his desk with a swish of his cloak. It had the desired effect and his students fell into sullen yet fearful silence. Excellent.

With a flick of his wrist, the covered lump on his desk _was...un-covered..._ and revealed. A square box.

"This is..." Snape drawled as he observed the appliance he had _borrowed_ from the nearest Muggle London department store. "...a microwave."

Malfoy leaned forward with a decisive sneer but Snape was prepared.

"A common Muggle torture device, if you would like me to _demonstrate..."_

Malfoy sat back down, miffed and a great deal paler.

"Or not..." Snape felt pleased and relieved. He surveyed the looks of horror and fascination that his students were wearing. What else was there... ah, _yes._ "This device..."

He paused in thought. Being a Potions Master, he hd never gone out of his way to learn Muggle studies or their ways of life. Other than microwave being an object of pain (or so Lily had often complained of her sister and the microwave. To be honest, he had never really listened.) ... he knew nothing of it.

"...is run on..."

What was...ah.

"Batteries."

Snape smirked at the younger Slytherin's and their looks of mingled confusion. How silly that they wouldn't know what a battery was. How common.

"It is a container filled with electricity."

Several children tilted their heads in confusion and the others looked mystified.

"Which is a common form of death sentence with Muggles."

A little brunette first year shrieked loudly before covering her mouth with embarrasment. "M'sorry, Professor."

He frowned. Maybe he was being a tad bit too harsh? Perhaps they needed to learn something a bit milder. Draco's fascinated stare on the microwave was rather concerning.

Snape reached behind his desk and retrieved the next item of interest. He waved it in the air and a chortle of surpressed laughter was heard. "This is... a rubber duck."

Nott raised his hand "Professor? What does it do?"

Snape pondered the squeaky and yellow object in his hand. It was small, useless, and it made the most unfortunate sound. With a careful hand, he placed it on the desk of the nearest Slytherin, Theodore Nott and sighed. "No wizard knows..."

"Is it evil?" One girl asked timidly.

"Is it magic?" Goyle asked dumbly.

"My father will hear about this." Malfoy stated.

For a moment, Snape was lost in staring at the rubber duck in front of him. What an _infuriating_ object. When he came to his senses, he snapped and barked out, "By next week, I expect an essay on the rubber duck. How, why, when and theories. Written sharply and on my desk with no delay!"

The loud first year shrieked again in surprise before huddling down, "M'sorry, Professor."

Severus Snape's job was done.

Now for the results.

* * *

"Potter! You say that again and... and I'll microwave your brain!"

"Pardon?"

"Hah! Don't tell me you have the mind of a rubber duck. Pathetic."

"I...don't know whether to laugh or cry, honestly. You've gone bonkers."

"I have just as much intelligence as any fine student of Hogwarts."

"Whatever, Malfoy."

* * *

The results were terrible.


End file.
